Out of the Fall of Discontent
and Into a New Beginning
I've been standing on the sinking ground of menopausal
life. If you’ve breezed through
it, write me and let me know how you did it. For the rest of you ladies who have reached or will be reaching
that pinnacle, or for those of you, who have managed to confront it, move past
it, and live to tell about it another day, this article is for you.
I'm calling this upheaval in my life my fall of discontent,
which I pray will lead to a new beginning. I have been mystified and horrified
as of recently, whenever I walk past a mirror and encounter a figure and a face
I do not know, or lean over to pick something up off the floor only to hear a
slight moaning sound as I stand. Could this person truly be me? Am I not
more than my aches and pains and wrinkles? Has life become so stale,
unfulfilling, and suffocating that things that used to matter don't anymore;
and other, what were insignificant things, seem to take on paramount
importance. Life is a question mark and I have become the small insignificant
dot at the bottom.
Each day is filled with responsibilities. Cooking,
cleaning, running to the grocery store, yard work, career –– it is all a part
of everyone's existence. I used to run through the day with aplomb, admiring my
accomplishments, never concerned that I couldn't handle whatever life handed
out. But recently, there has been a weight inside me so heavy that there are
days I feel I cannot even move. I
drag myself through the day searching for crumbs of joy with tear rimmed eyes,
desperate for a reprieve. I want to snap out of it. I want things to feel like they did
when I was twenty, thirty, even forty would do. I have demanded my life
go back to being "normal", but alas it laughs in my face.
So I sit, trying to define this person who I have become. I am
many selves, the Pleaser, the Perfectionist, The Pouter. I am the person
who defines herself by others expectations of me. I have always tried to
be all things to all people, even upon occasion, forfeiting my true self to do
what the Lord expects of me. I lead a life of quiet desperation. Could I
be so cliché to say I am experiencing a midlife crisis…at my age? Say it's not
so.
I draw in a deep breath and try figuratively to slap myself into
submission. Shouldn't this problem be easily fixed like pushing a button on
your computer or microwave? Certainly other women don’t go through these
trails. They are all stronger, cleverer, more vested in their life's accomplishments
to ever look back and wonder, what if. Am I as uncommon as a butterfly in the
winter, or like a butterfly am I merely in transformation? Like Lewis Carrol said, “Who in the
world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” I
simply worry I will not figure out the answer before the Lord calls me home.
Oliver
Wendell Holmes said, “Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their
music in them.” So many hearts and griefs that
die unspoken, and give no sign as to their aching…let that not be me. Luke 8:30 says, “Jesus then asked him, “What is your
name?” And he said, “Legion,” for many demons had entered him.” I suppose that is how I feel. My demons being hot flashes, mood swings, dryness, and
having more of life behind me to reflect upon then ahead of me. Snap out of it, I scream. Put your back to the wind straighten
those shoulders soldier, life could be worse. Yes, it certainly could. I do not want to become a Pollyanna.
But, I will pray for grace and courage and wisdom. I will take my days step by
step into my new life, and be patient assured that the Lord is not finished
with me. I will stay the course on this grand adventure “being confident of
this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until
the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6.
Amen, amen. So be it.
I am so feeling this struggle right now...Thanks for showing me the light!!! :)
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous, It's been almost two years since my "fall of discontent" blog entry and your comment. I pray the years have seen your struggle come and go as swiftly as the seasons pass and you are doing well! Take care. Kim
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